Learning to Love Myself Using Myth and Self Care

I'm struggling with self-love. I have been working hard to overcome my past. However, I have constant nagging guilt and shame that everything I do is not enough. From an unconscious place, what that really translates to is that "I am not enough." I try to have love for myself but I do not always feel that way. Experts always say that's “negative self-talk.” Perhaps it is. However, it is what I was told repeatedly growing up. Who I am is "not enough." It didn't matter how well I did in school. It didn't matter about the awards I won. It didn't matter about the degrees I have. I am not enough. It is more than just negative self-talk. It was who I was trained to be. But isn't that where the pain comes from? Our inner child, or the child that we were in our youth, did not believe that. If they really did, they would have stopped trying to impress the adults around them that were not seeing them for what they had to offer. There is some fundamental self-love there. But there's a conflict, at least in my mind, of having these two different messages battle in my head. To further complicate things, it doesn't help when we are grownups that others still reflect those messages back to us. That we're not good enough. That who we are is fundamentally flawed, and our dreams are not realistic. And in some ways, that's the most frustrating part. Knowing that the person that abused us (a person that is supposed to love us) is using that against us. Even after being out of the relationship, it's still there when things do not go right. That idea of not being enough. Of not being “perfect” enough. That idea resonates and echoes in our minds. It's hard to keep fighting that echo.

Empty Courtyard with Greek Statue Missing its Head

Speaking of echo, the Greeks have a myth about Echo that relates to all of this. Echo was punished by the Gods. As her punishment, Echo was never heard by her beloved, and to make matters worse, she could never be seen by her beloved. Echo could only repeat back what others said to her. She could never give her own ideas. That's why it is incredibly hard to find the source of echoes or the real person behind the sound. Because she's always echoing back. Is it not ironic that Echo is the same girl that falls in love with Narcissus? It is almost a perfect analogy for going through narcissistic abuse, losing our bodies, our thoughts, our words, and even our wills, to live in the hopes of being heard by a narcissus, a person that is not capable of seeing or feeling anyone else’s life force but only themselves. I think all narcissistic abuse survivors can identify with Echo and her story.

However, I want to be more than Echo. I want to be the glorious self that I am. I am going to listen to the deepest part of my soul that sees me and the wonderful person that I already am. So, I keep doing what I can to heal myself and my inner child. I do my basic self-care. I get enough sleep. I eat well, I drink water, and I take breaks while I'm working. I find if I can at least do those things throughout the day, my whole mental well-being increases. The next thing I've been working on is not letting the drama overtake who I really am. All of us survivors must deal with the fallout from the abuse. That does not mean to say that I do not deal with the fallout, but I put it in its proper place. It does not get to be on the top of the list as my main priority. The only thing that remains at the top of the list is me and what I need. Second on the list is my son because if I truly care for myself, it is the only way I can care for him. I'm continuing to work on that. Believe me, I shed my tears and have my emotions of dealing with problems that I did not cause. However, now I give myself time to feel it. More importantly, I am not going to completely sacrifice myself to take care of someone else’s mess. I take care of myself first! I do the work I need to do for myself and my son first, and then I dedicate a small chunk of my day to fixing those other problems. Because my son and I deserve my attention, not Narcissus. I will not be Echo. Shouting at Narcissus. I am learning to love myself first.

Just a thought for today.